It’s just after the new year, we’re done with Christmas and soon will be well past the unreasonable nonsense of wishing each other a happy year and get on with being perfectly miserable. In few months we’ll have killed off the main character in the Bible tales, thus completing the cycle of Jesus’ inability to get a proper agent. Here he is, most powerful man on the Earth at the time (since being replaced by the Beatles), and he couldn’t even swing being alive for over a quarter of the year. He gets born and then gets killed in around three months. The same story repeated for a bit over a thousand years. We need new material and Jesus needs a new management staff.

First things first, Jesus needs to come out with his autobiography and he needs to do it soon. He’s only got a little bit of time left before Oprah goes off the networks. The autobiography of Jesus is right up here alley as well; he’s not going to want to pass up such a great opportunity. The other issue is branding. We’ve got to start relabeling Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John as unofficial biographies. First off, they can’t even agree on what happened. Second, who asked them? Not Jesus. Had he, you’d think they’d have mentioned that. You know, and Jesus spake onto Mark, “Here is my large file of documents pertaining to my life. Go forth and sort through them to produce a meaningful literary account of my life for others to learn from my example. Also, be sure to include the following…” And there’s serious issues of missing parts in the four accounts: Jesus the rebellious teenager, Jesus and the massive amounts of walking all over the place. These accounts are just too focused on pointing out that Jesus is the son of God and that he died for us. They’re real yawners, especially after the tenth time you’ve been told the story. Quite frankly, we need to know about what made Jesus into the savior of all humanity and we really need his take on the whole dad issue. Certainly having his real dad take no interest in his rearing and then suddenly pop up and tell Jesus that he’s got to die to save all the miserable shits around him is bound to create some tension. An official biography, one that really tries to get to the heart of Jesus the dude, is sorely needed, not just to set the record straight, but to provide new material to talk about after all these years.

The next thing Jesus needs to focus on is rebranding. For too many years he’s let the Jesus brand languish under the incompetent management of the Catholic church and its spin offs. One might even think that the whole being alive a quarter of the year is actually part of the Church’s vendetta against the guy for some of his more liberal statements about not going around being miserable shits to everybody. Christmas is one of the things that needs to be addressed. How would you like to always have your first birthday celebrated every year? Gold, frankincense, and whatever the fuck myrrh is may be great baby gifts, but when you’re twenty and have a closest full of the stuff you really start to wish for socks. We could even start slowly, next Christmas we celebrate his tenth birthday and we all go in on getting him a bike. It’s the least we can do considering we can’t even get the date right.

If we’re going to insist on celebrating the nailing of Jesus to a twig we really need to set a date and stick with it. As Jesus can surely attest, he died on the day he died; it doesn’t change year to year. Plus, seeing as we didn’t get his birthday right, we can just pick whatever date seems reasonable for his day of death. Get together, figure out what week is likely to have good weather and works for most people’s schedule and go for it. Still, we’ve got to get past the whole death thing. The main character getting killed off a quarter of a way through a book would be unacceptable. Would J.K. Rowling still be alive if Harry Potter was killed off near the end of the second book? Well, she certainly wouldn’t be that rich. Luckily for us, the main character in this case is an ethereal deity that resurrects from the grave. Sure, it’s a bit zombie like, except this zombie has cosmic powers and doesn’t hunger for brains. In fact, even returned from the grave he’s a bit of a lovely chap, except for that end of days bit; however, I suspect that was a bit embellished by some jaded would be biographers who didn’t even get access.

Now is the perfect time for Jesus to launch his book. He’s sure to get a huge advance. Just look at how well Sarah Palin’s book is selling among conservatives and she isn’t even a saint. The Son of God is going to fly off the shelves. Plus, a book like this is exactly the kind of proof that atheists are looking for in the first place. It’d even give him a chance to clarify a few things and point out some of the places where humans royally fucked it up. And he needs to act soon before people become even more ambivalent to his cause. People can wait a few millennia, but we’re not all patient individuals. If you don’t show up we’ll find another deity that drops in for tea ever few thousand years. We’re not open to being just another one night stand and notch in the belt of whatever deity happens upon our humble abode.