If you’re like me you know about the prop 8 case in California, you care about the outcome, you know it’s probably still going on, and you’d like them to hurry up and get it through the Supreme Court already. After all, I’d really rather this whole case take less time than it takes Jimmie Johnson to win a fifth straight championship. I do, however, have some advice for the gay agenda that I’d like to share.

NASCAR needs a flamboyantly gay driver. We’re talking so flamboyant that he makes the Castro district look tame by comparison; so flamboyant that Jeff Gordon’s old rainbow paint job doesn’t even seem the least bit fruity. Why, you might ask, does NASCAR, a drunken conservative redneck stereotype machine, need a gay driver? A fine question with an easy answer: marketing. Not only should the driver be flamboyantly gay, but the car should be sponsored by the gay agenda, Pottery Barn, Bravo, and Diet Pepsi. In fact, I’m pretty sure you could just plaster Kathy Griffin’s face on the hood and declare mission accomplished.

The real goal for the Gaygenda-potebaaarno-pepsi machine is to dominate the track, thus maximizing the number of times Darrell Waltrip has to say “the gay agenda machine” on a Fox network. There will be one of two reactions, both of which can be used to achieve equality.

1^st Having watched their favorite drivers passed over and over again by the gay agenda Chevy the conservative rednecks will begin to associate the gay agenda, not with two dudes marrying, but that driver who makes wearing advertising chic. Having achieved the redneck dream of a fashion line that allows rednecks to plaster their bodies with as much beer advertising as possible, they will simply not care that Dale Earnhardt Jr is getting blown by the gay agenda in every race, or that the two dudes with the six and nine painted on their chests are in shape, well groomed, and snogging while drinking their import beer.

2^nd Their will be an extreme outpouring of rage that Dale Earnhardt Jr. is getting blown by the gay agenda in every race. The outrage will translate into lengthy call in talk show discussions bemoaning that the gay agenda must certainly be cheating and that Junior is being held back by equipment (despite having the best there is), his crew, or, on the occasion that somebody with a college degree calls in, the fact that he sucks. What this really translates is a great opportunity for blackmail. Want the gay agenda out of NASCAR? Well, you’ll have to give the gays marriage.

Let’s face it, more than any sport out there, NASCAR is in need of a little gay. What sport do you know of that puts so much effort into design? You’ve got the cars, the flame retardant suits, the little flag thingies on the poll to tell the drivers where to stop their cars for pit stops, trailer homes, beer drinking accessories, etc… If the Blue Collar Comedy Tour is any indication, the rural south needs a little gay, and fast.

Tags: Earnhardt, Gay, Gay Agenda, NASCAR

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