Welcome to the revived Fundamentalist Friday, even if it happens to be Saturday. I’m a college student, there’s other priorities and they’re not all parties. The old concept ranked the top three nutjobs of the week; however, that never really worked out and meant endlessly trolling the nets for material and quotes. If there’s one thing I’m opposed to doing, it’s having time to actually do that sort of thing. Happy Friday:
They were under the heel of the French……and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’ True story. And so, the devil said, okay it’s a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other.
Pat Robertson’s latest quote has thrown a little kink in the Pat Robertson guide to natural disasters. Used to be, when it went down, it was the work of one pissed off God for some reason or another. Luckily, the fix for the formula is quite easy. Where everything used to be a God pissed off about abortion or activist judges, earth related disasters, such as earthquakes(unless they’re stopping a gay pride rally) and volcanoes, are the work of the devil. Weather related and man-made disasters are still the functions of a pissed off God. This still leaves fire and other ancillary disasters like tsunamis and mudslides. I suppose the defining factor here is what originally caused the disaster. Though, tsunamis may likely be the work of Satan implicitly since God won’t stop them and nobody should expect you to stop something you started in the first place. The only exception to all of this is Dover, Delaware, which has an outstanding hit placed on it. Any disaster in Dover is an automatic act of God.
On the other hand, because the far-right can’t get enough of the crusade metaphor (apparently nobody mentioned to Fox News that there was quite a lot of crusading going on in the 12th century), they’ve taken to producing the apt named ‘Jesus rifles.’ There’s a fix for this, as I’ve learned from every desired religious display in the Bible Belt, throw in some pluralism, even if it is a menorah made out of 2x4s from Home Depot. The great part, from my perspective as an English major, is the opportunities to inject some alliteration into our massive industrial-military complex.: Moses Mines, Hindu Hand Grenades, Buddha Bombers, Scientology Ships (let’s face it, they’ve already got the experience in running a navy and they can pay out of pocket for general upkeep for the privilege), Muslim Mortars, Wiccan Weapons Control, and Atheist All Night Orgy Emporium. Okay, maybe not that last one, even if it would be the most productive of the entire list.
The odd reality, it’s not more Christian themed weaponry that would actually help. What our army really needs to be doing is plastering as much as they can in the Holy Qur’an. The Qur’an is certainly cheaper to produce than actual armored humvees, and might have the side effect of some of our guys actually reading the book and perhaps developing an understanding of Islamic theology. The best part of this entire plan is that we don’t have to spend billions on testing. Using the Qur’an as a defensive weapon is a tried and true method. Okay, so it was the middle of the seventh century during the Battle of Siffin. It also happened to be two opposing Islamic armies during the first fitna that eventually led to the Sunni-Shi’a split. Still, I think we owe it to ourselves to try.
Tags: Jesus Rifles, Pat Robertson
