I Died in a Raptor Accident

So it seems that Randall Munroe has stumbled upon a most frightening statistic here. Well, not really stumbled upon, more people took it upon themselves to check. Anyways, it seems that nobody has “died in a raptor accident.” Also, since we’re on the topic, nobody has “died in a zombie accident” either.  Also, as a commenter has pointed out, apparently nobody has “died in a raptor attack” or “died in a zombie attack” either.

This brings up an important problem. We know that people have died in both types of accidents, or at least through the various amounts of personal anecdotes there must be people who have died this way. Yet, there are no results on Google. Ergo, by this data we can extrapolate that raptors and zombies have infiltrated Google and erased all record of their heinous “accidental” murders from the records of existence.

But, before we can go further we need to realize what we’re up against. The following is theory that goes to explain why no actual data exists in regards to zombie and raptor deaths.  First off there is no such thing as an accidental death when it comes to raptors. They are calculating menaces and nothing they do is an accident.  As such, they don’t even allow witnesses to escape. They are also very keen on recording equipment.  Even wireless transmitters will be tracked down and their owners eaten.   There is no uncertainty principle involved here.  It is certain, if you observe a raptor, you will be eaten.

However, there are certain situations in which you can make it out alive.  The following is a hypothetical situation.  Somebody has managed to place a cake in the middle of a raptor infested area.  Since this is a major failure on the part of the raptors it would severely damage their street cred.  Since raptors have not yet developed the ability to fly, the cake can be observed from the air without the raptors being able to launch an attack. Thus, knowledge of the cake can be spread.  As such, you can remove the cake without being harmed (under the understanding that you will not speak more of it) by the raptors as it positively benefits both sides.

All of that being said, you can still die in a raptor or zombie accident.  Such accidents can occur while fighting zombies, such as shotgunning your friend (which of course, you claim was an “accident”).   You could also be an innocent bystander unaware of a raptor attack coming your way and be run over by somebody fleeing in a motor vehicle (he’s really doomed, raptors are relentless).

This leaves us with the only thing left for you if you witness a raptor; flee the planet.  Since raptors have yet to develop space technology, and since raptors aren’t known for trying to persuade NASA before eating them, you’ll be relatively safe on a foreign planet for some time.  Most likely, you’ll die of a zombie outbreak on your new homeworld before the raptors make it to space.

But, since no offworld safe-havens exist yet (get on that National Space and Aeronautics Agency), it’s up to the series of tubes to once again save the world. It’s kind of sad that the Internet is to zombies, raptors, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Pirates, Ninjas, Dragons, etc… as Will Smith is to Aliens.  Seriously, the leading authority for most types of world apocalypse type disasters has become a bunch of people on the Internet.  It sure brings a new meaning to, “I’m from the Internet.”

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One Response to I Died in a Raptor Accident

  1. Critter says:

    All I have to say is: http://xkcd.com/258/ .

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