For a company that started out selling books, Amazon has expanded into, well, weapons trafficking?
You can buy milk. Yes, I would like to add five dollars for shipping and handling to a seventy dollar gallon of milk. It’ll go great with whole rabbit.
Don’t worry, if that’s not expensive enough for you, you can have this platinum diamond ring from the Amazon.com Collection for the low price of $220,000. Buy now though, this sale won’t last forever, much like your marriage.
Unfortunately, I don’t think I can really trust blowing that kind of money on jewelry that I’m not buying for a shady Eastern European in Paris. Quite frankly, the fact that Amazon. com has a jewelry collection is disturbing. What’s more disturbing is that it’s the most expensive jewelry collection I’ve ever seen. Another ring for $180,000. Ear rings from six to ninety thousand. You can also get a diamond for over a mil, and yes, it’s eligible for free Super Saver Shipping. But don’t just take my word for how great this is, here’s a customer review I just made up (which are probably the best part of some of these Amazon.com items):
Hi, ever since Q died I’ve been tasked with supplying the agents of MI6 with all sorts of gadgets. Unfortunately, I’m not some technical wizard. I’m an English major. I spend most of my time on the phone just trying to get some part contracted out.
I used to just go to the store down the street for our jewelry needs. Apparently, making our agents look like cheapass bastards who lie to their fake wives about how expensive their jewelry is doesn’t go over well with terrorists. I just don’t have time to meet a Lebanese black market dealer in Paris who got his diamonds from Islamic extremists who smuggled them out of Africa. That’s why Amazon’s collection of really expensive jewelry is a godsend. And the Super Saver Shipping helps me keep my budget in the black.
There’s just one small problem. I got called into M’s office the other week. She was none too pleased with my purchases. The quality wasn’t a problem, but the fact that Amazon.com doesn’t get its diamonds from disreputable dealers who buy them from terrorists was.
Buying diamonds from terrorists helps finance their efforts, which helps keep the masses scared, which keeps MI6′s budget up. It’s a feedback loop, and messing with that can spell disaster for everybody. Imagine if terrorists groups couldn’t finance themselves. Then there’s no need for MI6. Once MI6 is gone, there’s no need for large budget terrorists. The terrorist can then attack without anybody in their way. So I guess what I’m saying is, Amazon.com, please support terrorists. If you don’t, the terrorists win.
But in case the fact that Amazon is hawking jewelry for millionaires while you can’t even afford a kindle pisses you off –as it well should– Amazon has the answer, the JL421 Daonkadonk Tank. Sure, it may not be an M1 Abrams, but with a little Patton like ingenuity you’ll be able to take on the bourgeoisie in your very own proletariat uprising. If this armament isn’t enough for you, there’s always the nuclear option.
