From the Desk of Van Booven 7/14/2008

Dear The Catholic League,

It has come to my attention that you are in need of somebody to tell you to shut the fuck up. As such, shut the fuck up. It’s a cracker, not a hostage. Munich was a hostage situation. Iran was a hostage situation. The church gave the kid the cracker. It’s like saying I kidnapped the free food they give out at Sam’s Club because I left the store before chewing. The issue isn’t whether or not the kid’s actions where offensive and disrespectful because the first amendment covers offensive and disrespectful. The issue is the fact that you’re acting like the unbearable jackasses we had to put up with in high school that now change the oil in our cars. Unlike them, however, you don’t provide a useful service. You just drone on about people criticizing your religion is hate speech.

The Church had a similar group back in the day. It was called the Spanish Inquisition. Had the Catholic League existed during the protestant reformation they’d be out starting holy wars and massacring a few thousand people in one night. And I find it odd that out of all the things that the Church decided to ignore from the Bible they decided upon “Thou shalt not kill.” That would seem to me to be a pretty easy one to follow.

The issue at hand, and as PZ Myers tried to drive home, is that you’re trying to ruin a kid’s life simply because he took a cracker as a form of protest against government funds being used to fund student religious groups. All he was doing was protest. The Catholics were the ones committing the physical assault. One’s a crime. The other’s constitutional. You might want to make sure you draw the lines between them correctly.

Besides offensive and disrespectful doesn’t qualify as hate speech. Hate speech requires that they actually hate you. I don’t hate you. I think you’re stupid and that you’re hurting America. There’s a profound difference. If I hated you I’d make up slanderous lies, say you don’t qualify as a human being, deny you civil rights, and say it’s ok if you’re killed in a natural disaster because a character from a book hates you. Except I don’t need a character from a book; I have Bill Maher. At least I can be reasonably sure he exists.

I also don’t think we should fire people for saying something offensive or doing something disrespectful. I think we should fire people for outright lying and being stupid. Except we can’t because they hold every elected office. You’re trying to get somebody fired for expressing an informed opinion. It goes into the mass a cracker and I’m pretty sure it comes out that way, unless you swallow, in which case it comes out as crap. There’s an interesting part of your miracle hardly discussed. The part where you, the faithful Catholic, turn Jesus into crap.

The best part about this “miracle” is that we can test it scientifically. Smuggle out a Eucharist after it’s been through the bath of bullshit and test what it’s made out of. I’m fairly certain of what the results are going to be and unless it’s your belief that Jesus was made of wheat thins I’m pretty sure your belief is wrong.

I have a general rule of thumb in this regard. When something you believe is proved completely false you are obligated to stop believing it. This goes for everybody, especially the Seventh Day Adventists. You’re an offshoot of the Millerites, a group that got the end of the world wrong, twice. Of course, I’m willing to let you off the hook for the first time the world didn’t end. Like most Americans he failed at math and simply fucked up the calculations. However, there’s a reason the second time around it was called the Great Disappointment. End of the world didn’t happen, join a cult that hasn’t been proven wrong yet. This goes for more than just religions. The people who are boycotting France. Those who think the U.S.A. is number one. And for people who think they’re being persecuted because a college student walked off with a cracker.

Furthermore, to say you’re number one you actually have to be number one. You don’t win top billing just because you’re the best at bombing people. You also have to score well on education and healthcare. Sure you can bomb the third world into the stone age but you’re not going to get the top rank when they have better healthcare than you. And Budweiser isn’t the King of Beers; it isn’t even a company anymore it’s a brand name. Just because you say something doesn’t make it true.

Even if I gave you the benefit of the doubt and thought that your version of a breakfast cereal really did turn into Jesus I have a simple solution to your hostage crisis situation. Change your belief structure. It’s not like the Church has had a problem with making shit up that wasn’t in the Bible. After all, there wasn’t much in the book about buying your way into heaven or the infallibility of the Pope. In fact, the infallibility of the Pope makes this rather easy. He’s just got to come out and say that once the Christ Chex has left the building it turns back into a wheat wafer. Just add the asterisk and your all powerful God won’t be kidnapped by college students anymore.

It’s not that I have anything against Catholics. I just find your little league to be a worthless organization that needs to get over itself. When somebody is trying to prevent you from worshiping then you can claim persecution. Also, you can claim persecution when your most important issue on your website isn’t defending Pope Pius XII. It doesn’t matter that Hitler planned to kidnap the pope. In fact, the kidnapping plan makes the fact that the Church remained neutral on the Nazis even more discrediting. We’ve invaded countries for reasons less than that. Besides, if we’re looking for historically dated events to discredit the Church with we don’t need Pope Pius XII. The crusades, witch hunts, inquisitions, and the killing, burning, torturing, and pillaging of Jews during the Black Death are more than enough. If anything, the Jews should be glad the Pope stayed neutral given the Church’s track record.

In closing it’s not that I hate Catholics. I just hate you, because you’re stupid and ignorant, and think the entire world should put up with your irrational bullshit. I just wish you’d take it upon yourself to shut the fuck up until some incredibly important issue comes up that doesn’t involve you trying to destroy the first amendment so that me and the rest of the millions of Catholics you don’t represent can coexist in peace. I don’t have a problem with Catholics, just you and those who support you.

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