• When I see babies I’m delighted at the fact that there will be a future generation to pass our national debt onto.
• Sometimes, late at night, when I’m thinking about you, I’m really just going over my hit list.  But at least I’m thinking about you.
• I know zombies are a pain, but I’d take them over fundamentalist Christians.  At least you can kill zombies with a headshot.
• The fundamentalist Christian scale of evil is rather skewed. It goes something along the lines of Stalin, Hitler, Charles Darwin. I feel like Darwin is owed a free three million murders.
• New Rule: if it’s snowing on the first day of spring, you can no longer consider yourself to be part of the South.  Liberal up and support the slightly left of center/communist agenda.
• In light of Idaho signing a law to sue the federal government I’d really like to see the headline, “Massachusetts signs law telling Idaho to shut the fuck up.”
• Never do I imagine I’ll ever have the chance to shout, “I’m tired of these mother fucking atheists on the mother fucking plane.”
• For the amount of great comedy Hitler has provided throughout the years, I feel like he deserves at least one posthumous thank you card.
• The difference between America and Europe: The American right fears that we’ve been taken over by communists when they get the great opportunity to purchase private health insurance.   The French right elects actual socialists.  Meanwhile, nobody is sure what the British are doing because they couldn’t just name their parties appropriately.  At least the Germans have the common sense to call their leftist party “The Left.”
• It’s not surprisingly America hasn’t won a war since WWII, we changed our strategy from chilling for a few years while the Europeans duke it out to starting shit.  America just isn’t a starting pitcher.  We’ve got three pitches: bomb the shit out of them, bomb the shit out of them some more but from the sea, run them over with tanks.   The system isn’t hard.  The Europeans go at it for a bit, get into a tizzy of a stalemate then the Americans, after deciding which country can still pay for things, comes in and cleans up.

• the tea party movement recently has been highjacked by window replacement specialists and glass manufacturers.

• If I ever had a letters to the editor page, I’d call it “Who the fuck are you?”
• If Mary had told the angel to fuck off would God have raped her?
  

People that need to be smacked

• People who clap at the end of movies.  Unless you’re at the premiere, nobody in that movie theatre had anything to do with that movie.  Trust me, if by some odd chance the best boy grip is in the theatre with his mom, he’s not going to feel any more appreciated that you applauded the movie.  It’s not a live performance.  The only person doing any actual work at that moment is the projectionist and the underpaid teenagers waiting for you to move your fat ass out of the the theatre so they can clean it.  So don’t applaud.  Sitting on your ass through a movie isn’t an Olympic sport.

Religion is the imagined relationship to the imagined.

I’m a rebel, I make wishes at 12:12.

Sometimes, when I see older people, I like to think of them as
time-traveling future versions of myself come back to look in on me.
Sometimes, I’m also rather disappointed.

To chicken should be a verb.  Make it happen English speaking people.

I’m not sure which power I’d rather have as Jesus: water into wine or water into coffee drinks.  Sure, the wine is more expensive, but the coffee adds up after a while.  Plus, you can’t always have wine with you and you don’t need it everyday.  When you think about it, if you can pop a good latte into existence you’re going to be able to pay for the wine.   And how do you age a wine you just popped into existence?  You know Jesus wasn’t popping $6k bottles of  ’45 Bordeaux into existence.

Evgeni Plushenko, the Russian figure skater, could totally rock a Lincoln beard and top hat.  Also, if you’re going to say your opponent skates like a girl, well, you might not want to be referring to a sport that is essentially dance moves.  Seriously, when you’re not jumping you’re waving your arms around in choreographed moves.  Oh, and you’re a sexist jackass.