Hello, my name is Jesus and I’d like to introduce you to my new publicist, Billy Mays! There should be a best of Billy Mays dvd. Too bad he’s now a dirty sellout. A reality t.v. show? Have you no shame Billy? Have you no shame? You were the king of late night t.v. commercials. That shame wow asshole had nothing on you. And the guy begging for our pocket change to help starving children in the third world has to have died sometime in the past decade.

Also, fuck these new age exercise videos with their preppy little tailored outfits, toned bodies, and super model extras. Used to be, when you wanted to get in shape you did it one way and one way only – by sweating it to the oldies. Richard Simmons used to go out there in those way too small shorts and chest hair sticking out everywhere and you could look at yourself and think that perhaps you really weren’t that bad off. So you stuck with it, because with just a little work you could look better than Richard. And he did you the favor of surrounding himself with people that resembled large aquatic mammals. You didn’t get one of those sissy little bars at the bottom that told you what tempo you should be at and how much time you had left. No. You had rock and the fact that the morbidly obese man in back wasn’t having a heart attack.

Here’s an Internet debate I want to see. A Biblical Creationist versus a Norse Creationist. “Oh yeah, well my god has a giant hammer. And my ancestors kicked your ancestors’ asses. Plus, we discovered America first, assholes.”

The real question here is what sort of wine goes well with lung. Assuming the cellmate was white I’d have to say the white wine is more appropriate. A red simply blends in with all the blood and guts. The white accentuates the skin and provides a cohesion of the setting.

What’s more startling is that apparently none of these wine experts have taken the time to figure out the problem of what wine to serve with human. What a disservice to the undead. They aren’t capable of discerning for themselves with their limited palates. There’s nothing that says a zombie can’t enjoy a fine wine with his or her meal. It’s rather rude that we haven’t figured this one out already. You never know when you’ll have cannibals over for dinner.

Which brings me to another point. I want to write a book called “You Never Know When You’ll Have Cannibals Over for Dinner: A Guide to Dining With the Undead.”

• Forks should never be placed on a guest’s setting as they are useless.

• Knives should be military issue and placed at the outer most position on the side of the dominate hand.

• Serving salad makes you an asshole.