Once only Scientology looked like dipshits for taking the Internet seriously (we’re apparently controlled by an alien fleet), now the Catholic League has decided to throw it’s hat into the ring of religiously motivated dipshits that have a problem with the Tubes. It’s bad enough that the Catholic League has taken to bitching about blog posts, but now they’re going to take Internet comments seriously.
“Want to read hate speech? Read the voluminous comments attendant to McElvaine’s article. If we have room we will reprint some of them in the May edition of our monthly journal, Catalyst (there is a lot of competition among bigots so only the best make the cut). In any event, we will surely reprint some of the really choice remarks in next year’s annual report on anti-Catholicism. Either way, we will be fair to Quinn and note the central role she played in fomenting intolerance.
Seriously, you’re going to put them in your book? Blog comments? From the Internet? Are you sure? I mean, you’ve seen 4chan, right? You realize that the Internet is really, really big? Um, you’re gonna need a bigger book.
“Over the past few months, the culture war has hit a fever pitch. But as we saw in Connecticut last week—an attempted fascist takeover of the Catholic Church by lawmakers blew up in their face—our side is up to the task.”
Connecticut tried to take over Rome? I should think that if the Connecticut national guard was trying to take over a small, pissant, few blocks that has been responsible for some of the greatest atrocities the world has ever seen it’d be on at least one news station. I understand the Pope wasn’t in town and that it was prime time for the takeover, but I just don’t think it was tactically a good move. Plus, I don’t think Obama would be very happy with them. It’s March Madness after all. The last thing he needs is more things to keep him from catching a game. The man needs time to check his bracket.
Probably the hardest part of this whole story is that there are just way too many good images to choose from.
If you thought Twilight was a horrible book, if you thought Eragon was the paragon of crap, if you swear to God that you will rip the beating hearts out of small children if the entire canon of English Literature is insulted once more, well, I hope you like ripping the beating hearts out of small children. George W. Bush is writing a book. This is a great time for all of you aspiring artists to make a name for yourself. At thirty thousand words and an average of about ten words a sentence that’s already 3000 pages that need to be illustrated. A massive team of artists will be required to distract the American people from tearing their eyes out, bleeding from every orriffice, four hour erections (Only Applicable to the Fox News Viewing Audience), and anal leakage. The repressed memories of the past eight years don’t need to be dredge up again, especially not in such an easy to read format that our children could get their hands on. We need pictures of happy, fluffy cute things like rabbits and kittens.
Data collected on priestly sexual abuse have consistently shown that 81 percent of the victims are male. The data in the latest study, the 2008 Annual Report on this issue, show that 84 percent of the victims were male.
For years we have been told that homosexuals are over represented because priests only had access to boy altar servers. But there have been girl altar servers for many years now, yet straight priests are even less represented now than before. There is obviously a serious problem here, but cowardice and political correctness stand in the way of an honest discussion.
Cowardice and political correctness are standing in our way of discussing the Catholic Church’s problem with Gay Pedophile Priests, really? I’ll gladly discuss your butt-fucking problem. Of course anytime somebody brings it up the Catholic League gets their panties in a bunch. Hey, all we’re asking is that they stop fucking kids, we don’t care if they’re gay, straight, or even cross dressers. Maybe you should get each priest a blow up alter boy. Is that politically incorrect enough for you?
And while we’re on this topic, how come we’ve never caught a priest fucking a sheep? Seriously, there’s hundreds of thousands of priests in the world. At least one of them has to be into beastiality. Shit, I’ll settle for a Rabbi fucking a dog. Somebody find me a holy man and a goat getting it on.
1Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. 2And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made. 3And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.
Well I think this answers the question about whether or not God can make a rock he can’t lift. Granted the answer is that it doesn’t matter because God is too much of a lazy ass to attempt to lift the rock in the first place. But does anybody else have a problem with the holy day of obligation being the day God decided to say “fuck it, I’m not doing any more shit?”
4These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens,
Generations? It was fucking six days.
5And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.
Yeah, not a man, except those ones that he created on day six. Well, maybe they went on strike. I mean, if you were offered suffering under the watchful guise of a jealous sky despot you might think twice about your working conditions too.
6But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground. 7And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.
Do you get the feeling God just gave up after a week? Just some, oh look, I’ll just throw some water down and I’ll just take this left over shit over here. Fuck labor negotiations. Bam, Man.
8And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.
As opposed to planting it westward which was just bad Feng Shui.
9And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
Because apparently he could grow the shit himself, but again, the laziness. Seriously, he was just going on three lines ago about how it all wasn’t growing.
10And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads. 11The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold; 12And the gold of that land is good: there is bdellium and the onyx stone. 13And the name of the second river is Gihon: the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia. 14And the name of the third river is Hiddekel: that is it which goeth toward the east of Assyria. And the fourth river is Euphrates.
Good job God, you split a river into four. Bravo, you’ve done some geology. Of course, your river worked out so well for Ethiopia. You know, the starvation and all. Perhaps you could get back to that gardening thing again.
15And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. 16And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: 17But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
Did he put up a sign? No. Big tree sign, put a red circle with a line through it on there. Nothing. Oh sure, here’s this list of rules, and here’s your key code for the gate, oh and no flamingos or garden gnomes.
18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. 19And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. 20And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him.
You know, you’d think an all powerful, omnipotent being would be better at the whole blind date thing. Yes, I’m sure that hooking Adam up with a sheep was just a brilliant plan. Here Adam, here’s a fuzzy, woolly thing that’s kind of cute. What’ll you call it.
Hum, well I could turn it into a pillow and sleep on on it. I’ll call it a Sieep, no. Sjeep. Sheep. That’ll work. What do I do with it?
Um, you’re supposed to fuck it and oppress it for a couple of thousand years.
A sheep? I’m not oppressing a sheep. It can’t even make me a sandwich. Jesus, we went over my requirements. I filled out the questionnaire and everything. Sandwich making was definitely on the list.
21And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
And she did bitch onto man about the grass, and the squeaky gate, and the hedges, and so on and such.
23And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.25And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
And they did fuck, on the grass, in the open, infront of the giraffe and the sheep did join.
Once one rising star in the Republican Party performs an exorcism and the adoring dipshits must have one. It’s so great that the Catholic Church offers courses. I mean, they should, they wouldn’t want their priests screaming about demons to a person with a mental disorder. Any good exorcist knows that yelling about how great Jesus is won’t cure a person with a legitimate mental disorder. Hell, even the ones with illegitimate problems still have that nasty problem of believing in invisible sky fairies. Driving out the demons just proves that they’re a big fan of mass delusions.
But this article is just a bundle of ignorant joy!
There still remains a small percentage of cases, however, involving levitation, mind-reading and other paranormal phenomena that can’t be explained through science. Maybe one day.
Yes, maybe one day they’ll actually document any of these instances so that science can actually investigate them. Of course, that’d cut into their demon driving time. Wouldn’t want that, science might just prove the lack of demons.
On the plus side the Church had a period of common sense after Vat II where the demon diddlers where marginalized and made fun of. After all, the whole realization that demons are in fact mental disorders is a pretty good reason to stop pushing religious dogma. Granted, religion actually listening to logic hardly happens, but it was nice to see. It’s a pity that increased medical knowledge on the subject and advances in science and technology have reversed that trend thanks to a couple of morons who think that the Earth isn’t older than six thousand years. Good news, they’re not rising stars in the Democrat Party. Then we’d have to worry about these nut jobs getting elected.
But usually, the more dramatic cases deal with people who are screaming, using their voice, shoving and punching, getting up, smacking their head against the wall — just very violent. And that voice is beyond a simple mimic of a strange voice. It’s very uncanny, very unnatural. And then, of course, there’s vomiting, which is common. Father Carmine saw a case where a woman vomited up a small black toad that was still alive. He went to catch it, and it dissolved into saliva. I had another priest who I talked to who dealt with a woman who vomited up seven little black nails, six of which dissolved into this black liquid. Father Carmine saw a woman vomiting up buckets of human sperm.
Vomiting buckets of human sperm. Now I can see that. I don’t think it’s a symptom of demon, but I do believe the cause starts with a “D.” As for the rest of this. Here’s a guy who starts out saying this:
I came at this topic very journalistically, not having an opinion for or against it. I wanted to really understand what it is and why the church still believes in it. But even exorcists themselves admit that 90% of the people that come to see them don’t need an exorcism. There still remains a small percentage of cases, however, involving levitation, mind-reading and other paranormal phenomena that can’t be explained through science. Maybe one day.
And ends up saying this:
For people to just outright discount it is a little premature. I think that there’s clearly something going on here. Even if you don’t believe in the devil, how do you explain the paranormal? I would dearly love if science could really explain some of these things, but until then, the question is just too big to ignore.
But there’s one thing he hasn’t seen in any of this. He hasn’t seen any of the levitation, mind-reading, or paranormal phenomenon. He hasn’t seen the women vomiting, the frogs, the nails. Sure, science does have an explanation for these things. Delusions, there’s just a problem in that there’s an exemption written in for mass delusions. He’s asking why science hasn’t been able to prove or disprove something that he himself has not even seen. All he has is the word of a couple of people who have a mental disorder in that they believe this is the fourteenth century. Science can’t explain something that never happened or that they’re never given a chance to investigate. At the very least the priests could have gotten all of this on VHS.
This is the twenty-first century after all, could we please stop consulting the first century for how we should be practicing medicine? A book on Hippocrates would be more useful than the Bible, and he’s older anyways. Funny how Christianity came along and everybody’s brains fried. It’s been 21 centuries and somebody older than the religion is more rational. I certainly hope it doesn’t take another ten thousand years of human existence to get these dipshits to realize they’re wrong. Well, it’ll only be about four thousand if we take their word for it.
Point is, the media should stop treating atheists as if we’re the bad guys and start treating these nutjobs like the idiots they are. Piss off the Catholic League, it’ll make you feel good. They’re all too busy watching Fox News anyways.
