So, I’ve never actually read The Bible.  Never much cared to much for it.  I’ve got a better book of myths that are much more entertaining to read and nobody has held me captive and hour a week and given out spoilers on them.  So, I decided I should probably give it a go and read the whole thing.  I also figure I might as well make fun of it as well.  So now you can read it and hopefully have a laugh.  I will be using the King James Version simply because it was the first one I came upon that was in the public domain.  I honestly don’t think it matters all that damn much how inaccurate the translation is as long as there’s not flying monkeys and pistol whipping added in.  I’d say no zombies, but the entire religion is based on one.  Anyways, here goes.

1 In the beginning

It is in my opinion, given the knowledge of science, history, and the nature of man’s morality that The Bible would be a much more authoritative, accurate, and all around better read had it simply ended at this point.

God created the heaven and the earth.

To this day he considers it one of his greatest mistakes; more of which follow.

2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

Luckily he had a flashlight to fight the Darkness with.   Generally I know the book is going to be crap when the word “darkness” gets involved.  Usually it turns out to be angst ridden, emo vampire shit.  I also have a logical problem here.  If the earth (and by subsequent interpolation, Earth) has no form and everything is a void, how can we have the deep, much less faces of the waters?  Is God riding on proto-comets or some shit?  And what is this “Spirit” of God stuff.  I have a feeling this is a euphamism for God jizzing the planet into existence.

3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

When God chooses a battery for his eternal flashlight he chooses only one brand: Duracell.  Alternatively; And God chose an Energizer battery for his flashlight was eternal and must keep going and going and going.

⁴ And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

And finally God was hailed by critics as a success. His many years of failing to create anything of value were finally over.

⁵And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Hey, wait a second. God didn’t name the evening or the morning yet.  I call shenanigans. Furthermore, you know what comes between evening and morning, fucking night.  Somebody needs to fix their shit.

6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.  7 And God made the firmament,

For in his haste he forgot to make contractors first.

and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

It was also shoddy work, but that’s what happens when you do it yourself instead of hiring a licensed contractor.

⁸And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

And God did go home and did have a beer.

⁹And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

So what about the waters above the firmament?  And what’s with this “and it was so” crap?  Seriously, I get the feeling that God was just half-assing it.

¹⁰And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

No, “Earth” is the planet, “earth” is the land.  Sheesh God, take an English course.  “Seas” shouldn’t be capitalized either. You’d think an all-powerful being could get this shit right.

¹¹And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

Yeah, you could have just stopped after fruit.  We’re not morons, we know what defines a fruit.  Though, the tomato? Wtf?

¹²And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

Okay, are we getting paid by the word here?  I kind of figured it happened because you said “it was so.”  We’ve already established the God says it, it happens pattern.  Here, let me demonstrate how to save yourself the space. “It was so and God saw that it was good.” There, now you can cut out that entire line.

¹³And the evening and the morning were the third day.

No, they were the first day.  Stop changing things around like this.

¹⁴And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

Didn’t he already make the uberlight and create night and day?  It would seem that he’s just killing time here doing shit he already did again.

¹⁵And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

Now that’s just tacky, even for somebody who is getting paid by the word.

¹⁶And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

Yeah, kinda figured that the last three times you’ve said it.

¹⁷And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

Which, being where he created them in the first place, was no gargantuan task.

¹⁸And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.

And he did repeat himself, again and again and again.

¹⁹And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

And the third, second, and first day as well.

²⁰And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven ²¹And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good. ²²And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

Now, far be it from me to point a few things out.  Fowl were made for above the earth yet they’re supposed to go into the dirt to do it?  And he completely leaves out land animals from the having of the sex.  Seems that somebody is a bit of a prude.

²³And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

Getting old.

²⁴And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.

Wouldn’t that already have been covered by the “every living creature that moveth” clause?

²⁵And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

Again, this stating everything twice shit, it gets old.  Who the hell was your editor?  You’d never get this kind of crap published these days.

²⁶And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

Either God has a multiple personality disorder or he’s trying to get laid.

²⁷So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

He them male and female created; created he them male and female; he created them male and female; female he male created them; et al.

²⁸And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. ²⁹And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

And the man didith reply and said onto God, that is bullshit. To which, he pointed to the cow, and to the pig, and to the turkey, and to the flying things, and to the moving things, and to the things that creepeth and he did say that is meat.

³⁰And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.

And the man did not as he was told, for God was a moron. And the man did eat the cow, for the cow did provide steak and hamburger.

³¹And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

And man did disagree, for he was sick of this moron running the show who did not know what day it was, or what was meat, or what existed and what did not.