People who clap at the end of movies. Unless you’re at the premiere, nobody in that movie theatre had anything to do with that movie. Trust me, if by some odd chance the best boy grip is in the theatre with his mom, he’s not going to feel any more appreciated that you applauded the movie. It’s not a live performance. The only person doing any actual work at that moment is the projectionist and the underpaid teenagers waiting for you to move your fat ass out of the the theatre so they can clean it. So don’t applaud. Sitting on your ass through a movie isn’t an Olympic sport.
Religion is the imagined relationship to the imagined.
I’m a rebel, I make wishes at 12:12.
Sometimes, when I see older people, I like to think of them as
time-traveling future versions of myself come back to look in on me.
Sometimes, I’m also rather disappointed.
To chicken should be a verb. Make it happen English speaking people.
I’m not sure which power I’d rather have as Jesus: water into wine or water into coffee drinks. Sure, the wine is more expensive, but the coffee adds up after a while. Plus, you can’t always have wine with you and you don’t need it everyday. When you think about it, if you can pop a good latte into existence you’re going to be able to pay for the wine. And how do you age a wine you just popped into existence? You know Jesus wasn’t popping $6k bottles of ‘45 Bordeaux into existence.
Evgeni Plushenko, the Russian figure skater, could totally rock a Lincoln beard and top hat. Also, if you’re going to say your opponent skates like a girl, well, you might not want to be referring to a sport that is essentially dance moves. Seriously, when you’re not jumping you’re waving your arms around in choreographed moves. Oh, and you’re a sexist jackass.
In an effort to further ensure that American teen years are filled with enough extra-curricular activities and volunteer work to make Mother Teresa look like a greedy bitch, Tufts University is allowing applicants to include a Youtube video about what unique little wallflowers they are.I feel a little bit better that Tufts is a private institution—why else would the New York Times cover the story—but you know that such things are bound to catch. There’s two concerns I have with this trend: privilege and competition.
The whole shebang is bad enough when you click on the examples page and see a shining sea of white kids.While the idea to give prospective students a new way to express themselves isn’t a bad idea, video editing isn’t exactly a college necessary skill, or a regular part of the high school curriculum. Let’s be honest about the situation, the underprivileged are getting screwed here.Underfunded schools are less likely to have video equipment, much less a class.Proper video editing software is rather expensive. Knowing what you’re doing takes some time.And that’s all assuming you have a camera and a computer powerful enough.
More annoying is that this video contest is just one more thing to push onto the youth of America in order to increase the competition among students for the privilege of attending university.As I alluded to in the opening, we’re continuing to increase what is expected of our teens.Not only is learning citizenship not enough, but now it must be demonstrated, with mandatory service to graduate high school in some locals, and you’re going to want to cram in as many extra-curricular activities and leadership positions as you can to pad up that resume.Quite frankly, there’s nothing more annoying than someone who’s there because they want to line on the cv, especially as they’re often terrible leaders who should never be in charge of anything.
And in four years you’ll have a nice collection of business majors ready to take on the rigors of middle management.Turns out, well-rounded, outgoing, over-extended nuts aren’t exactly the kind of people who make all the improvements to society.
Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for “balance” by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.
I think I just found my new favorite terrorist group.
The Washington Post recently published an interesting article in which the Senate was, in a sense, redistricted based on more common groupings like class, age, race, or gender (which would quickly put an end to the large group of white dudes who aren’t yet dead). This imaginative scenario is interesting enough on its own, but the breakdown of economic demographics demonstrates a real disconnect in American middle class ideology and American middle class reality.
Imagine a chamber in which senators were elected by different income brackets — with two senators representing the poorest 2 percent of the electorate, two senators representing the richest 2 percent and so on.
Based on Census Bureau data, five senators would represent Americans earning between $100,000 and $1 million individually per year, with a single senator working on behalf of the millionaires (technically, it would be two-tenths of a senator). Eight senators would represent Americans with no income. Sixteen would represent Americans who make less than $10,000 a year, an amount well below the federal poverty line for families. The bulk of the senators would work on behalf of the middle class, with 34 representing Americans making $30,000 to $80,000 per year.
Imagine trying to convince someone — Michael Bloomberg, perhaps? — to be the lonely senator representing the richest percentile. And what if the senators were apportioned according to jobs figures? This year, the unemployed would have gained two seats. Think of the deals that would be made to attract that bloc!
The very fact that urinals have not become known as ‘Urination Stations’ is, to me, an indication of the vast failure of edu-speak to do anything productive for the English lexicon.
I’m fairly certain the meaning of life is to not get eaten by the fast things with sharp pointy teeth, or if one happens to be a fast thing with sharp pointy teeth, help the fat slow things fail at life.
I want to get a group dressed up as redcoats to march on the tea partiers and help them take back the country from those dirty liberals who stole it from its rightful owners so many years ago.
The reason you can’t have fight clubs today is that too many people would be trying for leadership positions to add to their college resumes.
If you’re like me you know about the prop 8 case in California, you care about the outcome, you know it’s probably still going on, and you’d like them to hurry up and get it through the Supreme Court already.After all, I’d really rather this whole case take less time than it takes Jimmie Johnson to win a fifth straight championship.I do, however, have some advice for the gay agenda that I’d like to share.
NASCAR needs a flamboyantly gay driver.We’re talking so flamboyant that he makes the Castro district look tame by comparison; so flamboyant that Jeff Gordon’s old rainbow paint job doesn’t even seem the least bit fruity.Why, you might ask, does NASCAR, a drunken conservative redneck stereotype machine, need a gay driver? A fine question with an easy answer: marketing.Not only should the driver be flamboyantly gay, but the car should be sponsored by the gay agenda, Pottery Barn, Bravo, and Diet Pepsi.In fact, I’m pretty sure you could just plaster Kathy Griffin’s face on the hood and declare mission accomplished.
The real goal for the Gaygenda-potebaaarno-pepsi machine is to dominate the track, thus maximizing the number of times Darrell Waltrip has to say “the gay agenda machine” on a Fox network.There will be one of two reactions, both of which can be used to achieve equality.
1stHaving watched their favorite drivers passed over and over again by the gay agenda Chevy the conservative rednecks will begin to associate the gay agenda, not with two dudes marrying, but that driver who makes wearing advertising chic.Having achieved the redneck dream of a fashion line that allows rednecks to plaster their bodies with as much beer advertising as possible, they will simply not care that Dale Earnhardt Jr is getting blown by the gay agenda in every race, or that the two dudes with the six and nine painted on their chests are in shape, well groomed, and snogging while drinking their import beer.
2nd Their will be an extreme outpouring of rage that Dale Earnhardt Jr. is getting blown by the gay agenda in every race.The outrage will translate into lengthy call in talk show discussions bemoaning that the gay agenda must certainly be cheating and that Junior is being held back by equipment (despite having the best there is), his crew, or, on the occasion that somebody with a college degree calls in, the fact that he sucks.What this really translates is a great opportunity for blackmail.Want the gay agenda out of NASCAR?Well, you’ll have to give the gays marriage.
Let’s face it, more than any sport out there, NASCAR is in need of a little gay.What sport do you know of that puts so much effort into design?You’ve got the cars, the flame retardant suits, the little flag thingies on the poll to tell the drivers where to stop their cars for pit stops, trailer homes, beer drinking accessories, etc…If the Blue Collar Comedy Tour is any indication, the rural south needs a little gay, and fast.
Welcome to the revived Fundamentalist Friday, even if it happens to be Saturday.I’m a college student, there’s other priorities and they’re not all parties.The old concept ranked the top three nutjobs of the week; however, that never really worked out and meant endlessly trolling the nets for material and quotes.If there’s one thing I’m opposed to doing, it’s having time to actually do that sort of thing.Happy Friday:
They were under the heel of the French……and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’ True story. And so, the devil said, okay it’s a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other.
Pat Robertson’s latest quote has thrown a little kink in the Pat Robertson guide to natural disasters.Used to be, when it went down, it was the work of one pissed off God for some reason or another.Luckily, the fix for the formula is quite easy.Where everything used to be a God pissed off about abortion or activist judges, earth related disasters, such as earthquakes(unless they’re stopping a gay pride rally) and volcanoes, are the work of the devil.Weather related and man-made disasters are still the functions of a pissed off God.This still leaves fire and other ancillary disasters like tsunamis and mudslides.I suppose the defining factor here is what originally caused the disaster.Though, tsunamis may likely be the work of Satan implicitly since God won’t stop them and nobody should expect you to stop something you started in the first place. The only exception to all of this is Dover, Delaware, which has an outstanding hit placed on it.Any disaster in Dover is an automatic act of God.
On the other hand, because the far-right can’t get enough of the crusade metaphor (apparently nobody mentioned to Fox News that there was quite a lot of crusading going on in the 12th century), they’ve taken to producing the apt named ‘Jesus rifles.’There’s a fix for this, as I’ve learned from every desired religious display in the Bible Belt, throw in some pluralism, even if it is a menorah made out of 2×4s from Home Depot.The great part, from my perspective as an English major, is the opportunities to inject some alliteration into our massive industrial-military complex.: Moses Mines, Hindu Hand Grenades,Buddha Bombers, Scientology Ships (let’s face it, they’ve already got the experience in running a navy and they can pay out of pocket for general upkeep for the privilege), Muslim Mortars, Wiccan Weapons Control, and Atheist All Night Orgy Emporium.Okay, maybe not that last one, even if it would be the most productive of the entire list.
The odd reality, it’s not more Christian themed weaponry that would actually help.What our army really needs to be doing is plastering as much as they can in the Holy Qur’an.The Qur’an is certainly cheaper to produce than actual armored humvees, and might have the side effect of some of our guys actually reading the book and perhaps developing an understanding of Islamic theology.The best part of this entire plan is that we don’t have to spend billions on testing.Using the Qur’an as a defensive weapon is a tried and true method.Okay, so it was the middle of the seventh century during the Battle of Siffin.It also happened to be two opposing Islamic armies during the first fitna that eventually led to the Sunni-Shi’a split.Still, I think we owe it to ourselves to try.
Now, some of you who know me might be thoroughly shocked, perhaps even headed to your doomsday bunker.How could I thank a talentless hack who has poisoned the cultural psyche with vampires whose tits sparkle?Fret not, I still despise her and wish many an unspeakable ill against her.The thing is, I’m getting to that point in my life where I’m actually expected to make money and/or live in a cardboard box under a bridge.Seeing as my degree is in creative writing, the latter is far more likely.Since I’m not too keen on that, I’ve been considering other options.To that end, I’ve been thinking of starting a cult.
I clearly have a decent enough personality for the job of dear leader, though I suppose I could stand to be a little older, but I’ve got a college degree in the field.If anybody ever does ask you what you’re going to do with an English major, cult leader isn’t too far out of your purview, especially if your emphasis is creative writing. Think of it this way, what are the major functions of a cult leader?There’s two.First, you have to convince perspective cultists that you understand how terrible it must be for them to live with a loving family, with a nice house in the suburbs, and access to most of their materialistic wants.Most people can accomplish this bit without much training and if they lack the skill, there’s always Livejournal.The second function is trickier.Teenagers may be easy pickings, but what a cult really needs is people with some actual cash saved up.For that, you’ve got to convince people that the world is going to shit, that they’re the metaphorical toilet, and that you’re their only hope for salvation.This is where that English degree comes in handy.Not only does it afford you practice in telling elaborate fantasies, but it trains you in the art of nitpicky analysis on various ways that the privileged, hegemonic, white, ruling class aristocracy is running a global cabal to oppress the proletariat.Sure, only some of that may be true and in more complicated analysis at that, but I’m talking about starting a cult, not a MENSA chapter.
The problem with any cult start-up is staying one-step ahead of those pesky deprogrammers who have an irrational problem with my being worshiped as a God incarnate.Fortunately, even in these tough economic times, land prices have dropped and getting that creepy farm out in the middle of nowhere is once again affordable. Plus, I’m a new homeowner and I’m pretty sure I could score some farm subsidies.With the compound in place, that just leaves the ATF to deal with.Since I’m no fan of smoking and guns are out of my price range that only leaves the alcohol, which, I’m sure if we institute a policy of carding should be sufficient.I may be the grand, great, and glorious leader, but that doesn’t mean I’m about to distribute liquor to minors. There’s still the federales, but I’m pretty sure they’re not about to deploy the napalm tanks just to rescue a few Twilight fan girls, especially since I’d volunteer to torch the barn for them, thus saving tax payer money. Given my general tolerance for teenage girls who go gaga over sparkling tits, the mass suicides are going to be happening early and often anyways.
With the aforementioned economic downturn, the challenge for any perspective cult leader is to manage on a rather small overhead.I’m not starting a cult just to be loved and adored. No, like all good cult leaders, I’m in it for the money–a nice healthcare and dental plan would also be preferred.And making money means having growth potential. This is where Stephenie comes in.She’s undeniable made this the easiest time in modern history to start a cult.Forget comets, new millenniums, and skyborn spaghetti, the real potential is in angst ridden, emo, teenage girls at the local Hot Topic whose yearly masturbation habits would, if the technology were to be invented, power Lincoln, Nebraska for a month.Even better, Meyer has taught these depressed suburbanites to define their entire existence through abusive relationships with effeminate men.They’re taught to beg for validation from older males, because, ostensibly, those in their own age group are too dumb to understand them, but unfortunately those older men aren’t dumb enough to care. Hence, this is where your opportunistic potential cult leader can swoop in and grow his numbers, and should the sparkle tits saga continue, qualify for the frequent nutjob discount from the IRS.And for that, Stephenie Meyer, we thank you.
Feministe has a post on the cultural trend of men being the dominate driver in the family. You can read it here. They do pose an interesting question with a rather obvious answer that the article they’re critiquing seriously misses in the first place.
What in the world could be responsible for the fact that when men and women ride in cars together, men are more likely to drive?
As the self-appointed minister of telling people how shit should be I’d like to enlighten the general public of my ongoing with the channel that is still misguidedly referring to itself as “The History Channel,” or something along those lines.While I am ready to forgive their incessant reality t.v. show shenanigans, they’ve already been pushing it for quite some time.At the very least, reality t.v. shows document events that will eventually be history.
On the other hand, their incessant obsession with the future end of the world, the destruction of the earth by a billion different means, obscure predictions based on fluffy lunacy, and an overall dedication to the phrase “oh my god, we’re all going to die” has forced me to revoke their right to the word “history.”On the same note, I am also removing Fox’s ability to use the word “news.”Anyways, there are certain qualifications one must meet in order to use “history.”One of these is that the events being portrayed have, and this is key, actually happened.
Thus, here are some new and approved names for which the History Channel can rebrand themselves:
The OH FUCK! WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! Network
The Disaster Channel
Apocalypse
The ETWN Network brought to you by Michael Bay
In other topics, the tea baggers are continually missing the fatal flaw in their logic behind their small get togethers.They tragically assume that anybody is actually listening to them. Yes, we understand that these gatherings of middle-age to elderly white people are aimed at getting a small group of rich elitests to pay attention, but let’s be honest, how much has your special interest group contributed to their campaign? What’s that, zero?My point exactly.
For those of you who haven’t noticed, Fox has a show called “Lie to Me.”A little bit ironical given their impressive record for telling the truth.
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